Picture it: Bangor, circa 1999. Elizabeth and I are sitting in Governor's with her mother, Cherrie. We are eating ice cream sundaes, planning our upcoming trip to New York City, and, of course, gossiping about one silly thing or another. I can't quite remember what person or action that Elizabeth was describing with disapproval, but I do remember what she ended her thought with:
"well, whatever tops your cherry, I guess..."
Elizabeth had meant that statement to have the same effect as "whatever floats your boat"-- kind of a "whatever goes on the sundae after the cherry," maybe? But Cherrie was abhorred.
"ELIZABETH!!!!"
We stared back at her. "What??"
"Do you even know what that means?? If you say 'whatever POPS your cherry...."
"MOM!!! OH MY GOD THAT'S NOT WHAT I SAID!!!"
by now, the people in the booths on either side of ours had stopped their conversation to listen in, and we were all silent for a moment before we roared with laughter. Eventually the other patrons went back to their haddock sandwiches and onion rings, and I'm not sure how many were there to hear the next little gem:
"I hope Patrick Wilson is still in 'The Full Monty' when we se it. Mom thinks he has a big penis."
So, that evening was a win, and it's also no surprise that when I stopped by Elizabeth's tonight for hoagies and a visit with Cherrie, that the sophisticated topic of male genitalia was once again raised for discussion. This time, we dissected a story that was supposedly featured on the Today Show, claiming that pregnant women who eat a lot of chicken could be causing their boy babies to have small penises.
YES. You did read that right.
Skeptical about the validity of this argument, and unsure of whether or not the story was even ON the Today Show, Cherrie looked it up on Elizabeth's computer. "Oh. There are a lot of articles about this- poultry consumption and the feminization of male genitalia-" she clicked on one. "And this one says that if you eat a lot of soy, your boy babies will be both homosexual AND have small penises??"
We all exchanged looks. And then questioned what sources these studies came from [some rabid christian research center?], and what foods might make a baby boy have a bigger penis, which, of course, included the obligatory cock vs. chicken jokes.
Ben was in the shower when I got home, so I perched on the toilet seat and told him of this chicken-penis study that I'd heard about.
"I'm pretty sure that's bullshit," he said, looking out from behind the shower curtain. "And anyway, what a strange thing to be tested in a randomized control trail." I had to agree, but still, I had to read
one of these articles for myself. So I did.
For those of you too lazy to read the article, the very first sentence should provide you with a little insight....
"According to the best available science, three-quarters of women find both penis length and girth "somewhat important" or "very important."
Um. WHAT?? First of all, no duh, and second of all, do you really need the "best available science" to come to that conclusion?!?
"It was a simple study. Researchers measured the levels of phthalates flowing through the bodies of pregnant women, and then later measured the size and characteristics of their infant son's genitalia between ages 2 months and 3 years."
Okay. Let me get this straight. You are telling me that you measured the penis of a BABY and are somehow surprised that it is SMALL?? WHEW!! I'm so relieved that we have scientists working on this, I would never have been able to obtain these results on my own.
But seriously. I actually went totally crazy over this and started reading all of the supporting materials linked in the article. Apparently the MD who published this warning to pregnant women got most of his information from a study which tested the effects of PHTHALATES on reproductive development. According to this study, it appears that yes, the levels of phthalates found in pregnant women DOES contribute to the size of their infant son's junk- it may be smaller than those of other boys whose mothers did not have as much of that stuff in their system.
HOWEVER:
1) this study was extremely small, and believe it or not, some of the mothers originally contacted decided against having researchers measure their son's privates. go figure
1.5) it was also mentioned that in order to gain any conclusive results, these infants would have to be examined again as adults- for all we know, these babies who once had small penises grew into men with perfectly normal- hey, even large- reproductive organs.
2) while it is stated over and over in the material that there was a difference in genitalia that corresponded with phthalate levels, the actual AMOUNT of difference is nowhere to be found..........hmmm.
3) after reading this study, I tend to agree that phthalate levels might contribute to reproductive health later in life. I failed to find, however, any shred of evidence that CHICKEN is behind this issue. While chicken may have more of this chemical in it than say, fruits or vegetables, there is no data to support the notion that the pregnant women in this study had more phthalate in their bloodstreams because they had eaten more chicken. Actually, phthalates can be found in numerous other items, including shampoo, makeup, medication, and prettttty much anything containing plastic. I am sure that there are several ways -poultry consumption aside- for the levels of this chemical to be heightened in the bloodstream of a pregnant woman.
and one more thing....(really, just one more)......
Did anyone else notice that this article is published on a website called vegsource.com?? [Now, don't get me wrong, I fully support anybody who wants to be a vegetarian. Just because my stint as one ended with me fainting in the shower on several different occasions does not mean that it is the wrong choice for anybody else...] Could it be that this whole thing has less to do with phthalates and more to do with EATING CHICKEN...?? I wonder if Michael Greger, MD eats any meat at all. Ben wonders why he attaches his MD and his picture to something as juvenile as this (and truth be told, he spent even more time than me looking into this stuff :p). Unfortunately, we do not have the "best available science" to help us find those answers, and that's a shame.
So, there you have it. A night of hoagies and pleasantries and gossip that turned into Mandy obsessing over the validity of a- let's face it- pretty freaking random claim. Well, rest assured that I got the answers that I was looking for- and, if you kept with me through this whole....science....thing, I hope that you did too.
and hey, at least i found an appropriate venue to share the scary chicken picture that i actually took at my local supermarket.
